How do people go to sleep? I’m afraid I’ve lost the knack. I might...– Dorothy Parker
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.– Dorothy Parker
Cartwheeling for Christ! Priest caught on-camera cartwheeling through Westminster Abbey post-wedding today. I love when he looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is behind him. If God is always watching, I certainly hope he enjoyed this illustration of pure joy as much as I did. (Video courtesy of The Sun:...
MVC: i am in my room in a bathroom
MVC: looking STUNNING
GG: bathroom or bathrobe?
GG: is it a room within a room?
GG: Mom, I don't have a job.
Mom: Throw that in at the end of your speech!
GG: What? What do I say, "And if you liked that...I'm employable!"
Mom: Well, you have their attention.
She’s snarking in the face of death!– Claire Ayoub’s reaction to Meg Ryan’s witty delivery while en route towards impending doom in Anastasia.
A man willing to work, and unable to find work, is perhaps the saddest sight...– Thomas Carlyle
Why I am a bad Catholic
[From our Easter festivities]
Mom: [To our esteemed guests] This lamb has been marinating in yogurt and spices for the past three days.
Me: Like Jesus!
Two English professors knocked boots, made a baby, and named her after a literary great in the hopes that she'd follow in her epic footsteps. Unfortunately for them, little Jane Austen wants nothing more than to be a marine biologist.
Today is the first day of second grade.
Teacher: What is your name, sweetie?
Teacher: Well, Jane, do you have a last name?
Teacher: Oh, how wonderful! Do you want to write books, too?
Girl: I like whales.
Teacher: Oh... well, I'm sure you must love stories!
Girl: About whales?
Teacher: Well, Jane, not all stories are about whales.
Girl: They should be.
Teacher: Oh, Jane, when you're older, you'll see. The greatest stories are about love and class differences and romance gone awry, only to return the heroine and her dashing beau together again-
Girl: Some whales eat krill.
Teacher: That's very nice, Jane.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.– Mae West